After this guy called Jesse James visited my blog and told me off on my chatbox.. concerning my spiritual experiences that I shared on this blog.. I was silenced for.. 3 years frankly.. The fear that came upon me for not being able to understand my nocturnal panic/spiritual attacks gripped me so hard.
But how can this stop me? I have a lot to say after these three years. I must say I was irresponsible to have shared my spiritual experiences in an frightening way. That could have put lots of people off, especially the new believers. I admit my mistake.. but without sharing it nobody would understand what's inside this head of mine.. And probably people would have thought I was schizophrenic.
So are these spiritual attacks or panic attacks? After years of reading, and asking people, praying to God, for everything I've done to find the answer, this is it: both! Just like people with Agoraphobia fear fear itself, any type of fear is an open door for the devil to operate.
To paint the entire picture again.I had these 'spiritual attacks' in 3Q 2006, when JC preliminary exams were nearing. Every night I had them but I never understood what I was experiencing. This could have been due to tremendous stress I was experiencing to help my brother get promoted to JC2. He did not have sufficient grounding in math and physics because he took a science combined stream. However in a few months my mother began to speak in tongues and introduced us to Church of Our Saviour. I began going for the weekend services at the church. Pastors began talking about spiritual things, and I witness miracles taking place before my eyes when Prophet T.B. Joshua came to Singapore. Slowly my eyes began to open up to the spiritual realm and I began to fear night time. At the same time, I was standing in a parade square singing the national anthem when suddenly I panicked out of nowhere (this was in Feb 2007). So I had situational fears: the parade square and my bed. Things began to get worse and I was having "Spiritual attacks" in the night accompanied with nightmares. The experiences got so bad that my spiritual eyes' sensitivity were heightened that I could sense the angelic/demonic realm extremely keenly. I could walk into rooms and notice a demon moving around the room (I wasn't hallucinating, because I didn't see it with my own eyes, but with my spiritual eyes). Every night I could sense the demonic taunting me before I slept. I dreaded the mornings because I suffered what was similar to agoraphobia, and nights for what was similar to a phobia. Thoughts of being unable to cope cloud my minds and I would be worrying in the day about the night and at night about the next day. Undoubtedly, without restful sleep and peace, my grades suffered, and I was sent out of class a few times for not completing homework. On one occasion I was sleeping I began to panic after seeing a demon sitting on the throne of the drumset just beside my bed, I turned around and I almost passed out. On another occasion I entered a three level dream, from a dream of a black flag flying past my bed from which I woke up into another dream with an angel's hands stretching down to me (magnificent and heavenly) and heard ringing in the background in the first level dream before I woke up almost falling sick from fear. On one more occasions I would restle with the demons holding me down onto my bed and fight with them in the spiritual realm. These bizarre dreams added on to my stress levels. I listended to every sermon that could help me to overcome my fears, read books and everything self-help book I found, because nobody could understand my condition. Church of Our Saviour sermons helped a little, but listening to the entire archive of them did not stop my fear. I struggled but managed to complete my A levels, with straight Bs. (To get to NUS!)
It was at the end of the year that I was introduced to a pastor that helped me understand my condition. He would meet up with me monthly and together we identified that the frequency of panic attacks was correlated with stress levels. We identified that I have an extreme fear of a lack of control, which can be linked to my drowning experience when I was six. In national service (between 2008-2009) I had to learn meany new things and each time I was going to be tested and I felt I wasn't ready, the panic frequencies during that period would skyrocket. Throughout NS my night dreams continued until slowly they began to disappear for I began to 'deny' the spiritual realm. My spiritual senses closed up, and I got less noctural panic attacks too. In a sense, it could be me closing the door to fear too that blocks out demons from frightening me further through the open door of the fear of fear. Whatever the case, the good point was that the door of fear was being closed throughout NS, but the bad point was that I lost my spiritual sensitivity because I denied it's existence as a way of coping. On a side note I attended a revival meeting in Lakeland, Florida, where the Florida Outpouring was taking place. I began hearing about Bill Johnson and Kris Vallatton and began to read their books, as well of those from Jill Austin and Todd Bentley. Those books enabled me to move in a different level in the Spirit, and the gifts of the spirit began to develop as I practised them.
Soon I ORDed and from the end of 2009 to mid 2010 I didn't work. I was entertaining myself with all kinds of things: playing my bass, playing games, going out with friends, sports. I can't really remember anything constructive that I did without checking my journal. Whatever the case, I got through the entire period, with falling frequencies of panic attacks, until end of June came. Soon I attended the School of Supernatural Ministry (SSM 2010)
. A revival began to take place in my life. This school was so similar to the revival meetings at Florida Outpouring, where testimonies were followed by massive cheers and praises to the Lord. People there began pushing me out of my comfort zones to understand my spiritual experiences again. I had never done a treasure hunt until I was taught how to do one in SSM. Hearing the testimonies I would claim it for myself. On my way home daily I do my own personal treasure hunts and approach and bless the people that the Lord showed me, whether he showed me one work 'yellow' or an entire appearance of the person. I heard about an 'online treasure hunt' testimony and I claimed it for myself too, incredibly I did my own and I found my treasure online too! That was extremely encouraging and it changed my entire level I was operating in, that God could work everywhere! I began to learn prophetic art in this school which I used along with my treasure hunts. My spiritual senses heightened during this period. I began to develop the gift of prophecy and word of knowledge and soon they bloomed! :) Concerning panic attacks, It was a downhill throughout the school. From 30 times a month (almost once a night) or more prior to June, it fell to about 10 times in July (once in 3 days). I remember that once I declared a psalm 103 over myself that a minister told me to do, and that very night I suffered almost 30 minutes of wrestling with panic attacks. It one of the most ridiculous attacks in my entire life and it was aweful to have a panic for that long. But after that panics only occured only a few days a month, especially in the month of July! I graduated from the school with a keener spiritual sensitivity and a accelerated growth in my spiritual gifts.
NUS began and panic attacks were low but got higher as assignments began to start getting in. Fear gripped me whenever I felt I could not finish my assignment on time. For instance, I would get intensely fearful of being unable to complete my assignment despite being 2 weeks away from the due date. Taking artsy modules (Psychology, South Asian Studies, English, Nation-building(Singapore Studies) and World religion(General education module) was never my strength, since I was from the science stream back in secondary school(pure science, history & social studies combined) and junior college (Maths, Physics, Computing, Economics). I struggled through my first semester with a resonable grade.
The second semester that just passed was different in a sense that it was less artsy. Semester 1 was more writing and discussion, but semester 2 was a load more of memory work. 3 Psychology modules (Statistics, Cognitive Psychology, Abnormal Psychology) 1 Economics module, 1 Mathematics of Games module, econs being similar to JC work but math being foreign because this module required understanding of ideas being mathematics and not just formulas for calculating simple probability. Fear gripped me this semester as I had to memorise a load of stuff (not my forte then), and with CCA commitments and my own initiation of outreaches in school (which was my passion), I was greatly stretched. I wouldn't expect to do very well this semester, but I hope I would do better than semester 1. Concerning panic attacks again, from August 2010 when semester 1 began, till of April when Semester 2 ended, panic attacks have been on a low, with panics occuring on a few days in a month, each of which had consisted of 5 "attacks" or "episodes", making that about 10-20 attacks per month. These always occured before an assignment submission date or a test date. This is a huge improvement from the 2 years before when there could be 70 to 100+ "attacks" in total per month. On a side note, in the fourth week of Semester 1, I began my own thanksgiving journal, which I update every night before I sleep, allowing God's peace to come upon me before I sleep. Throughout my university life, I've had slight insomnnia, which could last 45 minutes to 1 hour in semester 1, but by semester 2, closing the door of fear (worry), it could take me as little as 5 minutes to fall asleep. I'm thankful for the thanksgiving journal, which has brought 2 benefits: 1) I learnt to set my mind to dwell on good things, setting myself free from worry 2) By going through the day, I would forget less things that I had to do the next day, reducing stress of novel situations.
I have finally regurgitated my life and my panic attacks I have experienced in the last four years. I keep calling them panic attacks and not spiritual attacks because it's easier for the layman to understand. Everybody knows what panic attacks are, sudden intense feeling of anxiety without apparent reason. Spiritual attacks according to my definition are simply nightmares, frightening hallucinations or hellish trances. But we all know that spiritual attacks can take advantage of open doors where the enemy has a right to make use of to torment the person, and in my case, the open door is a fear of losing control. To overcome this fear, dwell on the promises of God, and pray with thanksgiving:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7.
Believe that God is Jehovah Jireh and he provides for tomorrow. The passage in Matthew 6:25-34 about 'Do Not Worry' should be read like a child, simply, trust in God to provide. When the demon comes and your thought is, "Oh no, what if that happens". Most "what if" questions are irrational as we all know. In God we don't have to ever ask "what if". Only satan plants such thoughts. Simply say, "I reject you, worry, in the Mighty name of Jesus Christ. I acknowledge that you are Jehovah Jireh, I confess my worry, and speak God's peace into my mind. God I let you take control of this situation because You have the best for me." Boom it's closed. Do it over and over again and the demon won't have any room or would just give up on you. Haha we have have freedom in Christ and unhealthy fear (worry, phobias, gripping fears, cold sweat, panic attacks) has nowhere in the Kingdom of God. That's all I want to share tonight! I have been blessed and currently being trained to do inner healing and deliverance to do ministry for the upcoming mission trip in June 5-13th 2011. I'm one week new to this but this is going to bring me somewhere. I hope those who read this entry can find hope and rest in your situation, especially those with anxiety disorders, or are schizophrenic, or have bizarre spiritual encounters that are aversive to people. I completely understand and here I let you know that I can help you out with them if you need, feel free to drop me an email: [email protected]
God bless you and like Todd Bentley always says, "Be filled with Fresh Fire!" ^.^
The Oh Brothers™ Leonard