Topic: Busy week
Date: 11 Jan 2009
Time: 17:49:59
This whole week was busy we had onluy few hours to sleep each night. Slept through from bookout in the afternoon till night had my dinner and did the necessary thigns before I went to bed. Got up for church 10.30am service this morning..Preparing for next week's field camp and the following week's too.. next two weeks will be the toughest I think, which explains 4 two-minute long panics last night it was horrible :( Perhaps I'm also so worried for my bro who just enlisted, he's not very happy with his Platoon Sergeant for scolding him but I told him how to handle it and it takes time to adapt to the new lifestyle in NS. For me I'm 1 year soldier exactly (enlisted 11th Jan 08) and I have adapted pretty well, but still not excellently as some have.. And this whole stress problem is bugging me. It makes me ask a few questions.

The first being what are thoughts? Thoughts happen so fast they cannot be controlled sometimes. I cannot seem to decide to do something, things happen to go on day by day, it's kind of a labor-in-vain feeling. I'm not controlling my thoughts, but my thoughts control my behaviour and reactions. So in this society where all of us get so used to laboring and laboring day by day we dont even know why we work. Society forces us to keep up with its pace and we labor so hard for the sake of keeping up with time because if we dont then our skills become rusty and we cannot earn money to survive. From this I conclude day-to-day working is an urban societal force. If I live like people of the old days away from this fast-paced society I would only need food to survive..and life would just be all about that without much worries. But I know this is not possible too because humans reproduce and there's a constant need to develop more tools for more efficient hunting for food to feed the growing family.. skip the topic. Back on working. Routine working form working habits. At this point we do not think while working. Working becomes something subconscious. And the problem with this is that subconscious thoughts cannot be controlled. And this is the reason that bugs me. I am subconsciously stressed. I can tell myself there's nothing to be stressed about, and search my thoughts that I think make me stressed, I cannot find many. But I still feel headaches. Frowns. Anxiety. Unsatisfied. What has happened is that there are too many subconscious worrisome thoughts that are going though my mind and they are kept away from my conscious mind to the point I forget my worries. Which explains why the panics keep coming. I really dont know what I'm stressed about. What has affected or is affecting me? I dont know, I cannot think of a handful. A solution would be to 'de-habituate' it by saying to myself 'there's no need to worry, everything's in God's hands, give your worries to God', and pray and give my worries to God. At this point I split my mind into two, the old and the new mindset. (this is how we learn things anyway). If I keep giving my fears and worries to God everyday and keep on giving day by day, eventually I can undo the habit, so I form a new habit (to remain calm and assured) on top of the old. Then subconsciously, I wont be as stressed as before. But a strange loop might form half way, while the splitting occurs: I might be worried subconsciously that my worries will remain. And that makes me more worried. What seems to fix the problem now becomes a new problem. And that makes me get more headaches, more worries about my inability to cope with stress, and makes me frown more, get more panics, and feel faint or dizzy more often. And now I have more worries, and eventually the old habits emerge strongly and the new habit shinks back to nothing.

Coming to the topic on faith. Believing in God is based on faith. What is faith? Deep conviction, belief in something without the need for proof, complete confidence a thing. Unless I keep my faith in God to be a true living confidant, how can my worries be given to him? I need to have greater faith. But thinking like that forms another unhealthy cycle to make me more worried about my faith level. "God show yourself to me so that I can believe you are real" or "Do a miracle" such selfish prayers will not work because God said in the bible that faith is child-like.. There's no need to see to know that God can do things powerfully. Being child-like is hard, but I will work on it slowly, and I hope these problems will stop because the frequency of headaches and panics are still considerably high but are decreasing as time passes (I have noticed the change). Maybe God's giving me time to learn to give my worries to him by faith. Worring about my stress problem makes it worse.

Panic attacks or spiritual attacks? I HAVE YET TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN THE TWO. I really hope God gives me an answer because I dont know what's happened to me since they began because I always thought I was able to handle stress and now I know I cannot handle it well. Life is not that tough, but why am I so worried! In fact God told us not to worry because it is very unhealthy for us..

But I have become very desensitised to spiritual things suddenly, because I was overly hypersensitive in the past and it freaked me out and now I cant seem to be braver. Everyday in order to sleep well I have to deny the spiritual attacks are happening and am forced to believe that they are panic attacks.. why must there be such a confusion and why do some pastors say I'm oppressed and some say I'm just worried, can worry really kill the soul? I am starting to believe so.. and belief that spiritual attacks happen to me feeds my worry and if they were merely panic attack then I was worried for no good reason and I did harm to myself.. But I still believe spirits do exist.

Just hope to get help, has anyone experienced panic attacks in sleep before? Tag me because I really want to understand how I am living my life? I'm just very low-spirited these days, and with the busy training that I'm 'forced' to go through which feed my panics, I have no capacity to analyse myself further. There's just too much to handle.

I have to have dinner now and pack up before i report to camp for a long week, only booking out saturday night. Ok gtg :D

The Oh Brothers™ Leonard

Topic: POP
Date: 04 Jan 2009
Time: 20:43:55
Happy New Year 2009!! I'm gonig to book-in in half an hour and i'm just letting time pass......

The Oh Brothers™ Leonard