OK yes yes only 5 + 5 + 3 more days to go!! That's 13 working days to my release from my current unit! :D Coz I have 9 days off and I'm taking off all the way from 20th onwards till 6th Oct! YAY Finally I'm out and I'm going for recourse! Now I'm just hearing my grumbling mates complain I'm just gonna enjoy my remaining days and I'm gone YAY!

Oh yes I'm supposed to give more info about my sleep problems. K. At least more frequent visits give me more insights of what's going on in my subconscious head.


This is it:

When I was about 6 or younger I nearly died from drowning in a pool. I was playing in a swimming pool during a church camp (previous church's) and two girls who were bigger than me were pulling my legs. At first it seemed quite fun so I tried to swim and break free from their hold. But soon I realised 30 seconds have passed and I'm losing air, I have to get more air, so I struggled to the surface of the water. As soon as this happened the two girls (still know both of them) pulled harder at my ankles, to them it was becoming more fun cause I was trying to get away, but apparently not to me! I was struggling to break free and it took me quite a while just to hang on to the edge of the pool (luckily we were that close). But I kept losing grip cause I wasn't a strong child then, their weight just kept pulling me down. And apparently I panicked cause I was so close to death. Mom came to the rescue, but not that desperately, not knowing I was so near death, but when she grabbed my arm and pulled me out I was seconds away from death.

As far as I know my mom saw me all blue thinking I was cold from the water, so she gave me a towel. But it wasn't just that, I was gasping for breath, and finally she came to her senses knowing I was that close to dying.

I received no counselling, probably because my dad, sis and bro were not there to witness the severity of the incident, though my mom might have known but if I ask her right now (literally) about how bad it was she would tell me "you were drowning, that's all i can remember i think". Experiencing such traumatic incidents can cause serious problems to a person and the person should seek professional counselling following a trauma, but seems like my parents did not know what to do during that time.

As my pastor tells me, to cope with the trauma, the mind splits itself to separate the trauma memory from the main memory. Process is known as dissociation. The trauma memory might come as a package(the factual and emotional memory together) or it might be split into two separate memories, as for me the latter happened. Trauma usually causes Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) making it hard for the sufferer to cope with stressful situations especially when the memories are 'split'.

This is what he thinks happens in my sleep. Any kind of stressful situation that happened in the day, or was going to happen, would make me feel stressed (duh). When I sleep the split memories talk to one another trying to cope with the memories of the stressful events. If my officer scolded me in the day, or I had a quarrel at home, or a test coming up in camp, they would all surface in my sleep. A normal person without PTSD should be able to relax and remain calm throughout the stressful time. But a sufferer with PTSD panics without being rational about even panicking in the first place. Anything threatening to the sufferer's well-being would be an almost likely panic trigger(my mind retrieves panicky feelings from the trauma emotional memory), and the exact feeling plays out, known as a flashback(as for me it's panicking about dying). This is how he describes what goes on in my subconscious mind during sleep.

My pastor says the only means to solve this is to undo the splitting of the mind. I have forgotten much about the trauma (always happens to trauma sufferers), and he will try to help me remember the things that have been forgotten. It's not going to be an 'oh! now I Remember!', it's a slow process, my pastor will attempt to talk to the different memories or 'parts' of me to try to help me retrieve information and the feelings that were associated with the feelings, accept the factual and emotional memory as one and then accept the situation so that the trauma memory combines with the main memory. Only then will my panics at night stop.br>
Sounds pretty complicated right! It really is!


There's more to come as time passes, and yes I'm going to recourse soon so I'd try to get most info ASAP before my recourse!

The Oh Brothers™ Leonard