Date: 27 Jan 2008
Time: 15:51:24
Kay. I'm supposed to be at Pasir Ris bus interchange by 1945 today.. that's in less than 5 hours time! It was fun coming back home and living as a civilian although it's only 2 days!

Ate ice cream prata for supper on fri nite. Then I woke up at 1245 yesterday and went to church for 4pm healing service and 6pm youth service! Going for services just encourages me so much because there's always something to learn from sermons!

At the healing service the speaker had gifts of words of wisdom and knowledge and healing, so many people were delivered and healed there! I went there because to find out the cause of my spiritual attacks at night (But right now I'm pretty confused with all these stuff and God will eventually explain to me what has been going on for the past 1.5 years of 'spiritual attacks' or 'panic attacks' and if I say it's spiritual attacks then it could also be panic attacks but if I say they were all panics then why do I get out of body experiences and supernatural dreams and visions?

If I'm an anxious person and carry all sorts of burdens, a psychologist will diagnose me with panic disorder. I can as many as 10 panics a night! Very rarely do I get that much, the last time this happened was last week when I booked out on Attend C, on the second night. Anyway, I was told to let go of my past, whatever kind of past whether it was good for me or bad for me. I'm supposed to forget them all! Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Found a useful website for Isaiah 43 HERE. In the sermon I talked about a few posts before from New Creation Church, the speaker said "Forget the past, all the bad things(meaning forgive others or disasters), but not just the bad, but the good! Forget even the miracles that God did in the past because he is going to do even greater miracles!" That's what I am learning right now!

But that is not the confusing thing! It's straightforward and can be done! I believe so! But the confusing thing is between panics and spiritual attacks. At first I thought that these were all spiritual attacks. Then now a psychologist tells me these are panic attacks. The psychologist is a pastor in my church who does counselling, and he says to deal first with the natural then the supernatural. And I realised that in a matter of 2 or 3 weeks I have totally believed that I had panics and I became really confused; at the same time, very discouraged, because were all my prayers against evil spirit in vain? I realised also that I am starting to believe that these are all natural, and I stop panicking while sleeping believing that evil spirits are not affecting me anymore! And then, yesterday at the healing service I went up for the altar call and told the speaker about my situation and he asked me whether I used the computer a lot and I replied yes. Then he told me that I should stop using the computer because there's a ghost(evil spirit) that comes at night to me. Okay, so the supernatural stuffis back. But panic attacks can be triggered by evil spirits. (when you see a ghost what happens!) So are panic attacks part of spiritual attacks? But panics to a psychologist is caused by extreme worry and anxiety over certain issues. This is where things get confusing :/

So I slept last night and praying to God again to protect me from evil spirits, and the fear of spiritual attacks has come back. But I will overcome them eventually.

I did not completely understand what ghosts he was talking about where's the link between the computer and the ghosts? So I went back this morning for the 8.30am service but did not get to see him so I attended the 10.30am service and this time I got to talk to him. He remembers me from yesterday coz I was wearing the same cap. Then he said, "You can use the computer for your schoolwork and your games, not a problem. But be careful of some games you play or the things you do, be careful what you see on the screen."

Hmm. Since BMT started I have stopped using so much of the computer. So he must be referring to what I did before my BMT. Yes I confess that I have played many games with magic during the holidays. So few games are without magic; sports games and puzzle games, or Yahoo! games? I like mmorpgs but even maple has witchcraft. There's no mmorpg without these stuff. To give it up, it's possible, but I have to stop playing this completely and never touch them, incinerate them so that I will never see them again in the harddisk. That's possible.

And I have definitely seen adult content on the computer. Nude pictures, videos, whatever it is, whether I seen it willingly or unwilllingly, I am definitely very weak control over my sexual feelings. I have stood strong in some tests, but have failed some. Sometimes out of sadness I view them so I become glad. But the joy does not last. I have abstained from such content for months and then I return, and unless I incinerate them and never see them again, the ghost(evil spirit) will be back. But, with the internet, how can I incinerate them? I dont keep such content in my computer, but I can view them with the internet since the internet is open and free and mature content is just clicks away. Sinning does not affect God, but it affects ourselves. Guilt is caused by ourselves. Unless God touches our guilt, we can never be set free from it. And I never vowed to God or made a covenant with my eyes not to see such things, because I am not ready keep it, but am currently doing my best, hating my sins and always working my best for perfection (although it's not possible).

So after the speaker said this these two things are possbily causing my panics/spiritual attacks. I have ever sensed quite a number sexual spirits that have caused wet dreams. Even sexual dreams. But at the same time, God put dreams at night to remind me of the danger. Once I dreamt of a computer in the toilet. And I remember the computer was on and I was walking to the computer ready to use it and in a split second there were sexual thoughts. And I woke up. What could this mean? It's probably quite clear it's got 2 messages. Number 1 is that God's telling me to stay away from the toilet. A toilet is a personal space where we can lock ourselves and do whatever we want inside. It's quite clear that God's warning against masturbation. Secondly. A computer in the toilet, meaning I do whatever I want in the toilet with the computer and nobody will know. The second message is quite connected with the first. His trying to tell me of my dark secrets. His warning the danger of the computer. When one serves sexual content, he usually feels shame and needs to hide in an enclosed space. As a result, he hides himself with the computer without anybody knowing, within four walls. And he keeps everyone out of his life. Meaning relationships are broken. Relationship problems are a result of sexual immorality.

So. Going for four services this weekend has brought me great understanding of my personal, and interpersonal problems. Great message!

Aside from those, I have relied on my own strength when using the computer. When tempted, sometimes it's better to turn off the power. Right off. Save work and switch it off and the devil disappears. It's pretty simple, but can one reach the switch in time? I remembered someone mentioned to hang a crucifix on the computer screen or play some christian music when sexual thoughts come so that you are reminded of what Jesus has done on the cross and you would feel bad to sin again, but it's not the best idea. Switch off your computer, right away! It's better for you to spoil the computer than to sin! Since sexual content is just a few clicks away, then let fleeing from temptation be ONE CLICK AWAY!

By the way I'm out of training (OOT) from BMT because of the panic attacks. I'm OOT for at least a week or two (hoping not more) until I see a specialist that would access my condition and down-PES me if required, and I would be posted to a unit a week after that! Hope they do it soon! So I dont have to worry whether I'm going to the military or be a driver/clerk/storeman LOL

Okay that's all from me this weekend it's pretty long haha! It's already almost 4pm and it's getting late I gotta pack! Booking out next fri see everyone!

The Oh Brothers™ .:Wonderous:.

Topic: :)
Date: 25 Jan 2008
Time: 22:41:25
Right I'm back home! Just packed out and showered and Imma have supper out with ma family in 10 mins time! Wont talk about BMT

Basically what Imma do this weekend is get some sleep and i'm going for the 4pm healing service that my dad talked about in the car.. then we'll go for youth svc and then for dinner together!

Then I'll go for sunday service!

Really missing church coz I haven't attended for 2 weeks! That's 4 services -.-! KK my dad's outside the door now I'd better get running!

The Oh Brothers™ .:Wonderous:.

Topic: ?!
Date: 19 Jan 2008
Time: 13:36:36
Sup with the Isaiah thing man.. It's the 7th?! :

I was sleeping and mom read pointed out after seeing my number (4307) platoon 4 sec 3 bed 07, so she said could it be Isaiah 43:07 for you? Reading it aloud to me, from half way of verse 6 through to verse 7:

Isaiah 43:6b,7
"6b Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

Seems to really suit my purpose in BMT. Everyday is so packed there is no time for prayer, to the point I have to pray during marching, climbing up stairs, refilling water bottles or changing or bedtime.. and being slightly less mad now at least things are getting better although I'm still quite emotionally drained.. music would sooth my sadness (but we dont have the time for music!) And even through this tough time I've managed to endure with one week of training and all the stress (physical, mental, whatever) until finally I'm sick =X But I'm not giving up it doesn't make me less of who I am! This few days of recharging will prepare me for the tougher days ahead!

The 6 days in BMT are just all same. Anyway, after making quite a number of new friends there I spotted one more 'ready' ones, he's from section 2 just next door, and I noticed that his bunkmates aren't that interactive so I got to know him and I was chatting with him during lunchtime and he mentioned he has gone to church once before, the church is called "Church Hope or something Hope or something else" so I asked him why he went there and he replied that his friend invited him to a church service and he also mentioned that the sermon was about God (that's all he could remember). Then I asked him if he's accepted Christ and he said "no, because it's something like my parents dont allow me to".

At that point I was thinking "Oh no, this kind of situation is gonna be hard" coz I was thinking of inviting him to my church. Nevermind, I just hope that through prayer and the 6 days remaining of confinement period something will happen, I really hope to bring him to church on the Sat I will be booking out!

I've still not fully recovered today :X

The Oh Brothers™ .:Wonderous:.

Topic: YAY
Date: 18 Jan 2008
Time: 01:08:17
I'M BOOKED OUT COZ I'M SICK! feeling really happy to see everyone. Might have been a divine appointment, coz I was really physically, mentally stressed out, woke up today feeling really down and zzzzzzzz, God allowed me to go home! There's no time for devotion or prayer man, everything's fast paced and I missed my prayers and readings a lot!

Imma go sleep now, dad's calling me upstairs. 3 days MC, will be booking in on Sunday morning at 7.30am, and hoping to recover well!

The Oh Brothers™ .:Wonderous:.

Topic: ~.~ sadness
Date: 10 Jan 2008
Time: 19:14:03
Okay. I will be enlisting tomorrow. Gonna miss everyone! Dad, mom, sis, bro and dud.. :( But I'll definitely meet some of my best old friends there.. hope to see hor-fun there(he's enlisting 2 hrs after me)! We had a great squash game on monday after I left JJ for PJ.. a waste of the squash talent! But let me leave my regrets behind because regrets brings back long memories of the past, which has made me really stressed and depressed.. I find it hard feel gladness! It's too easy to feel sad but so hard to feel happy and recall the good times!

And finally at last my madness - due to some personal problems which I've worked out - has lost control over me, or else my brain would've collapsed by now, or I might collapse in camp, when exercising or whatever.. 6 times I was told to let go, and I've made the first step, and this is JUST THE BEGINNING! Let me see how things go.. Trusting in God to make all things good! Streams in the desert?! :)

The Oh Brothers™ .:Wonderous:.

Topic: ~ ~
Date: 07 Jan 2008
Time: 19:02:03
The 6th: My cousin missed a sermon last week so she bought the cd and listened and it touched on the same verse. Listened to the sermon and it got me thinking..

The Oh Brothers™ .:Wonderous:.

Topic: ^^
Date: 03 Jan 2008
Time: 17:20:22
1,2,3,4, now's the 5th: Sis wrote a card to me in October 07, reading it, Isaiah 43!

The Oh Brothers™ .:Wonderous:.