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| Topic: School starting once again! I hope to update more often Date: 07/01'12 Time: 18:39:00 PM |
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| How often can I update this blog? I really hope I can do so, but it's just hasn't been very important to me lately, although I have had a lot on my mind. Regardless, I don't know why but I blog just before school starts, and then when I get busier, I don't blog. Well right now, I'm going for a run. Health is extremely important, and God has given the responsibility of being a steward of our health. So Believers ought to be in good health always, without sickness (since the glory of the Lord has risen upon each one of us) I will share more here, since it's impossible to share my little thoughts on twitter, perhaps this blog will come alive again if God leads me to share my knowledge. School is starting and I'm pretty set for it. Living to worship the One, to bring glory to his name each and every day. Amen. I'm going for a run. Forgot about this, but Blessed 2012 to you! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: School | Bass Date: 11/08'11 Time: 23:51:00 PM |
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| School has started this week. But I won't be having lessons this week because all the profs declared the lectures as holidays. Anyway, I just ordered a new sansamp and pandora for my bass over amazon. And Joel and I are going to be running everyday (we have been from this week) until the 28th, hoping to get some cash from IPPT we plan to take on the 28th. Yay :D Oh yes.. we are also going to get some cash from selling some old phones in the next week.. And Joel has just ordered some screen protectors on ebay.. because he wasn't happy with his. And I dont know how but he ordered the wrong product accidentally I think. That's the problem with no making up your mind on one product and having so many tabs open while making the final order. I'm feeling kind of dry during this period. I know the holidays are over and I really did enjoy them but I don't feel like starting school frankly.. Yet I'm going to be slacking this week away and that would leave me with 1 week less to study. I really have been planning to keep playing my bass just as a way to express my feelings to God. I really hope I would feel better in the next weeks. I have just got a panic last night and it wasn't nice. I can't be getting stressed yet, although i know this is already the first week, it possibly could be due to my slacking away of this week that I'm not comfortable with. Still going to TRUST MY GOD Tonight and from tonight forth! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Mystery | Revival Date: 19/07'11 Time: 22:39:00 PM |
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| Referring to the last post. Mystery is part of God's way to keep us ever dependent on him. If there's any way we could ever say, "I know the trick!" or "I know it all!" we would have become gods. Likewise I can't fully understand why I can see demons in my sleep.. but I know that I have always had a keen spiritual sensitivity. Been a while since the last update. But as I always believe that there is no real reason to talk about this as though it's something that makes me spiritual. But I learnt one lesson: I can praise God for his mystery. I will keep praising him for that. Hols are coming to an end. But my journey this hol has been worth it. Lots of learning and change to my life. It has been exciting! And I've just crafted my sermon that I will be preaching next tursday, on the 28th of July for the Training on Preaching for Supernatural Results elective by Pastor Derek. Awesome! Thank you God! I'm beginning to dream revival taking place.. and revival often starts with ourselves then with our family, workplace (School), and then community! Way to go in this journey of faith. The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Vulnerability Date: 13/05'11 Time: 00:20:00 AM |
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| I chatted with pastor Derek yesterday (today being Thursday, 12 May). And he told me about the power of declarations, particularly their power to defeat the enemy and destroy lies from satan. I decreed that God is Yahweh, Jehovah, and fell asleep. I wanted to be vulnerable, allowing my mind to rest in God's presence. I believe I was spiritually so vulnerable and that I would allow any spiritual experience to happen to me while I sleep. And I panicked. I confess I still fear the demons. Nevertheless I'll continue to decree that: The Lord is my protector (Psalm 91), (Isaiah 25:4 For You have been a defense for the helpless, A defense for the needy in his distress, A refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat; For the breath of the ruthless Is like a rain storm against a wall.), (Psalm 121:5 The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand.), (Psalm 32:7 You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah.) (Psalm 31:20 You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man; You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues.) The Lord is love, and there is no need to fear (1 John 4:18). It's time I believe in my authority. The enemy's is defeated (You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 1 John 4:4), (It is written: "'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.'" Romans 14:11), (Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Matthew 28:18) ("I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Matthew 18:18) (I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. Luke 10:19) Soaking time. Night. The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Spiritual attacks, or Panic attacks?????????? Date: 10/05'11 Time: 20:25:00 PM |
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| After this guy called Jesse James visited my blog and told me off on my chatbox.. concerning my spiritual experiences that I shared on this blog.. I was silenced for.. 3 years frankly.. The fear that came upon me for not being able to understand my nocturnal panic/spiritual attacks gripped me so hard. But how can this stop me? I have a lot to say after these three years. I must say I was irresponsible to have shared my spiritual experiences in an frightening way. That could have put lots of people off, especially the new believers. I admit my mistake.. but without sharing it nobody would understand what's inside this head of mine.. And probably people would have thought I was schizophrenic. So are these spiritual attacks or panic attacks? After years of reading, and asking people, praying to God, for everything I've done to find the answer, this is it: both! Just like people with Agoraphobia fear fear itself, any type of fear is an open door for the devil to operate. To paint the entire picture again.I had these 'spiritual attacks' in 3Q 2006, when JC preliminary exams were nearing. Every night I had them but I never understood what I was experiencing. This could have been due to tremendous stress I was experiencing to help my brother get promoted to JC2. He did not have sufficient grounding in math and physics because he took a science combined stream. However in a few months my mother began to speak in tongues and introduced us to Church of Our Saviour. I began going for the weekend services at the church. Pastors began talking about spiritual things, and I witness miracles taking place before my eyes when Prophet T.B. Joshua came to Singapore. Slowly my eyes began to open up to the spiritual realm and I began to fear night time. At the same time, I was standing in a parade square singing the national anthem when suddenly I panicked out of nowhere (this was in Feb 2007). So I had situational fears: the parade square and my bed. Things began to get worse and I was having "Spiritual attacks" in the night accompanied with nightmares. The experiences got so bad that my spiritual eyes' sensitivity were heightened that I could sense the angelic/demonic realm extremely keenly. I could walk into rooms and notice a demon moving around the room (I wasn't hallucinating, because I didn't see it with my own eyes, but with my spiritual eyes). Every night I could sense the demonic taunting me before I slept. I dreaded the mornings because I suffered what was similar to agoraphobia, and nights for what was similar to a phobia. Thoughts of being unable to cope cloud my minds and I would be worrying in the day about the night and at night about the next day. Undoubtedly, without restful sleep and peace, my grades suffered, and I was sent out of class a few times for not completing homework. On one occasion I was sleeping I began to panic after seeing a demon sitting on the throne of the drumset just beside my bed, I turned around and I almost passed out. On another occasion I entered a three level dream, from a dream of a black flag flying past my bed from which I woke up into another dream with an angel's hands stretching down to me (magnificent and heavenly) and heard ringing in the background in the first level dream before I woke up almost falling sick from fear. On one more occasions I would restle with the demons holding me down onto my bed and fight with them in the spiritual realm. These bizarre dreams added on to my stress levels. I listended to every sermon that could help me to overcome my fears, read books and everything self-help book I found, because nobody could understand my condition. Church of Our Saviour sermons helped a little, but listening to the entire archive of them did not stop my fear. I struggled but managed to complete my A levels, with straight Bs. (To get to NUS!) It was at the end of the year that I was introduced to a pastor that helped me understand my condition. He would meet up with me monthly and together we identified that the frequency of panic attacks was correlated with stress levels. We identified that I have an extreme fear of a lack of control, which can be linked to my drowning experience when I was six. In national service (between 2008-2009) I had to learn meany new things and each time I was going to be tested and I felt I wasn't ready, the panic frequencies during that period would skyrocket. Throughout NS my night dreams continued until slowly they began to disappear for I began to 'deny' the spiritual realm. My spiritual senses closed up, and I got less noctural panic attacks too. In a sense, it could be me closing the door to fear too that blocks out demons from frightening me further through the open door of the fear of fear. Whatever the case, the good point was that the door of fear was being closed throughout NS, but the bad point was that I lost my spiritual sensitivity because I denied it's existence as a way of coping. On a side note I attended a revival meeting in Lakeland, Florida, where the Florida Outpouring was taking place. I began hearing about Bill Johnson and Kris Vallatton and began to read their books, as well of those from Jill Austin and Todd Bentley. Those books enabled me to move in a different level in the Spirit, and the gifts of the spirit began to develop as I practised them. Soon I ORDed and from the end of 2009 to mid 2010 I didn't work. I was entertaining myself with all kinds of things: playing my bass, playing games, going out with friends, sports. I can't really remember anything constructive that I did without checking my journal. Whatever the case, I got through the entire period, with falling frequencies of panic attacks, until end of June came. Soon I attended the School of Supernatural Ministry (SSM 2010) . A revival began to take place in my life. This school was so similar to the revival meetings at Florida Outpouring, where testimonies were followed by massive cheers and praises to the Lord. People there began pushing me out of my comfort zones to understand my spiritual experiences again. I had never done a treasure hunt until I was taught how to do one in SSM. Hearing the testimonies I would claim it for myself. On my way home daily I do my own personal treasure hunts and approach and bless the people that the Lord showed me, whether he showed me one work 'yellow' or an entire appearance of the person. I heard about an 'online treasure hunt' testimony and I claimed it for myself too, incredibly I did my own and I found my treasure online too! That was extremely encouraging and it changed my entire level I was operating in, that God could work everywhere! I began to learn prophetic art in this school which I used along with my treasure hunts. My spiritual senses heightened during this period. I began to develop the gift of prophecy and word of knowledge and soon they bloomed! :) Concerning panic attacks, It was a downhill throughout the school. From 30 times a month (almost once a night) or more prior to June, it fell to about 10 times in July (once in 3 days). I remember that once I declared a psalm 103 over myself that a minister told me to do, and that very night I suffered almost 30 minutes of wrestling with panic attacks. It one of the most ridiculous attacks in my entire life and it was aweful to have a panic for that long. But after that panics only occured only a few days a month, especially in the month of July! I graduated from the school with a keener spiritual sensitivity and a accelerated growth in my spiritual gifts. NUS began and panic attacks were low but got higher as assignments began to start getting in. Fear gripped me whenever I felt I could not finish my assignment on time. For instance, I would get intensely fearful of being unable to complete my assignment despite being 2 weeks away from the due date. Taking artsy modules (Psychology, South Asian Studies, English, Nation-building(Singapore Studies) and World religion(General education module) was never my strength, since I was from the science stream back in secondary school(pure science, history & social studies combined) and junior college (Maths, Physics, Computing, Economics). I struggled through my first semester with a resonable grade. The second semester that just passed was different in a sense that it was less artsy. Semester 1 was more writing and discussion, but semester 2 was a load more of memory work. 3 Psychology modules (Statistics, Cognitive Psychology, Abnormal Psychology) 1 Economics module, 1 Mathematics of Games module, econs being similar to JC work but math being foreign because this module required understanding of ideas being mathematics and not just formulas for calculating simple probability. Fear gripped me this semester as I had to memorise a load of stuff (not my forte then), and with CCA commitments and my own initiation of outreaches in school (which was my passion), I was greatly stretched. I wouldn't expect to do very well this semester, but I hope I would do better than semester 1. Concerning panic attacks again, from August 2010 when semester 1 began, till of April when Semester 2 ended, panic attacks have been on a low, with panics occuring on a few days in a month, each of which had consisted of 5 "attacks" or "episodes", making that about 10-20 attacks per month. These always occured before an assignment submission date or a test date. This is a huge improvement from the 2 years before when there could be 70 to 100+ "attacks" in total per month. On a side note, in the fourth week of Semester 1, I began my own thanksgiving journal, which I update every night before I sleep, allowing God's peace to come upon me before I sleep. Throughout my university life, I've had slight insomnnia, which could last 45 minutes to 1 hour in semester 1, but by semester 2, closing the door of fear (worry), it could take me as little as 5 minutes to fall asleep. I'm thankful for the thanksgiving journal, which has brought 2 benefits: 1) I learnt to set my mind to dwell on good things, setting myself free from worry 2) By going through the day, I would forget less things that I had to do the next day, reducing stress of novel situations. I have finally regurgitated my life and my panic attacks I have experienced in the last four years. I keep calling them panic attacks and not spiritual attacks because it's easier for the layman to understand. Everybody knows what panic attacks are, sudden intense feeling of anxiety without apparent reason. Spiritual attacks according to my definition are simply nightmares, frightening hallucinations or hellish trances. But we all know that spiritual attacks can take advantage of open doors where the enemy has a right to make use of to torment the person, and in my case, the open door is a fear of losing control. To overcome this fear, dwell on the promises of God, and pray with thanksgiving: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7. Believe that God is Jehovah Jireh and he provides for tomorrow. The passage in Matthew 6:25-34 about 'Do Not Worry' should be read like a child, simply, trust in God to provide. When the demon comes and your thought is, "Oh no, what if that happens". Most "what if" questions are irrational as we all know. In God we don't have to ever ask "what if". Only satan plants such thoughts. Simply say, "I reject you, worry, in the Mighty name of Jesus Christ. I acknowledge that you are Jehovah Jireh, I confess my worry, and speak God's peace into my mind. God I let you take control of this situation because You have the best for me." Boom it's closed. Do it over and over again and the demon won't have any room or would just give up on you. Haha we have have freedom in Christ and unhealthy fear (worry, phobias, gripping fears, cold sweat, panic attacks) has nowhere in the Kingdom of God. That's all I want to share tonight! I have been blessed and currently being trained to do inner healing and deliverance to do ministry for the upcoming mission trip in June 5-13th 2011. I'm one week new to this but this is going to bring me somewhere. I hope those who read this entry can find hope and rest in your situation, especially those with anxiety disorders, or are schizophrenic, or have bizarre spiritual encounters that are aversive to people. I completely understand and here I let you know that I can help you out with them if you need, feel free to drop me an email: foxtrot_envoy@hotmail.com. God bless you and like Todd Bentley always says, "Be filled with Fresh Fire!" ^.^ The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Mid-terms Date: 23/09'10 Time: 21:01:00 PM, 23:47:35PM |
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| Have psych mid-term coming up next week. then psych essay is due on friday. This week i had a driving lesson almost everyday. Also have studied a bit, on the bus when i have lots of time etc. Joel came out on Tuesday and would be around until next monday. He's out to parkour now. Dad is going to send me to gombak for my driving lesson very soon. It would be from 2130 to 2300. Im tired.. haiz.. Crystal has been in HK and is now on a tour in Mongolia. Sure she's having fun. I think God for giving me yesterday (on my way home from a dinner with ethan and michelle) to do the POST-IT outreach. Check out the ohfamily website! :)))) Thank you Lord! May your people be touched by simple messages I give them :D Gotta go. I'll update more when I get back. I understand the disorder in the posts, my thoughts are always everywhere ~.~ Back. Dad drove me home. Saves me so much time :D My driving instructor says i stand a high chance of passing my test. As long as i dont gei kiang and make mistake. I have a lesson tomorrow afternoon before my test and for that i'll be driving outside and getting used to his car. Hopefully I pray God can help me pass! Would certainly 'make my week' for having so many lessons and LFSing sessions on the computer :/ To elaborate on POST-IT outreach. Today I was studying in school after doing project work with my group for EL. (ben, chinpin, elsa, sherman). The thunderstorm was so crazy for me to go back home. It speaks of revival rain. This kind of rain is supernatural showers of love from God.. I'm being a bit paranoid here but it's so obvious. Certainly showers make people stop working and stop going around, it forces them to rest. God didn't want me to go home, because he wanted me to do a POST-IT outreach when i was going back on the bus. My idea is to make blessing others a lifestyle from a life overflowing with love and joy of the Lord. I really wanna partner God in this and do this in school. My dreams are about to begin coming true. God is on my side :D Will be going to shower now. Update soon :D God bless! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: School Date: 08/09'10 Time: 01:04:00 AM |
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| Absolutely crazy. I must update although I have been really busy with school. Although I have only 1 CCA at the moment. Haven't been updating. I want to begin the habit again. The reason why ohfamily.com is not up.. which is one of my goals, is because I can't deal it with the domain owner. I keep offering & I pray God would help :* I realise that once it's up, I would be expected to update the website!! Maybe, I could use a subdomain first.. but these few days I'm so packed I haven't even been relaxing much... / God's beenn very good. Strength comes over when I'm weak. Today SSA lecture wasn't just boring, but I was super tired from last night's less than 1 hour sleep. Barely could I focus in class. It was really bad. Thanks for people who have been supporting through prayer & sms. I'm about to begin making my dreams come true. 3 of them had been on my mind.. meantime before I can make any progress to acheive them, I have been so tight with univerity stuff. I have a SSA test next week. An essay due next week. Other than that, I have to eun some log for this saturday's Youth In Service Mooncake Distribution to Commonwealth Drive . I'm so glad the response has been so great. The hearts of youth are so ignited with God's Love. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of joining squash as my 2nd CCA. When will this happen?? Haha. Squash racquets are $200 because mine is already breaking down.... God please bless me with one! Hahaha :/ It's so fun to blog again. I can just dump out my feelings in general. It's not detailed and it's so messy. Thoughts are everywhere. More outreaches in school. I'm trying to org.. will things slow down first? I doubt it.. but i can slow it down by keeping up with the pace.. so that it's not chunked into the last minute. :D Procrastination must end!! Let me invite someone tomorrow.. I know I'm tired. Keep it updated tomorrow. What kind of excuse is 'feeling tired'. Who wont be tired. That's why there's faith and there's a God.. and from Him we draw our strength. What excuse is 'busy'? Prolly the worst excuse ever (for me at least). I have lots of assignments, and readings to catch up on, not to mention, test and essay due next week. but outreaches can't stop, because it's meant to be consistent :DD 'if signs and wonders don't follow you, follow them until they follow you' is just a way to just stop being introspective and to recognise my power in Jesus Christ. apologies for too many typos. Its just not worth to edit my impromptu journalling. I jsut realised that I stopped blogging when army strangled me, just felt no one should know my pains.. but i stopped longer when I was out of the army. It's all in my dairy... The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Tennis Date: 19/11'09 Time: 01:35:00 AM |
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| Nothing significant to highlight for the past week, except that I paid for the basic theory test questions that I can practise online; for driving which I'm going to take up finally. Kinda lazy to apply for the test that's will be on in 2.5 wks time & I'm going down tomorrow to apply can't wait any longer, i might not get a slot Marcus Yunlong & my bro watched & caught up on Monday 16th, if I'm not wrong I watched lots of TV on tuesday since my bro was off so he wanted to relax & put out his stress for the moment. Today? Woke up @ almost 2pm & I slept 12hrs straight again. Muz be tired. Had lunch, Dad wanted to play tennis so much & so I played with him at the new boon lay SAFRA club, the weather was gr8 & we both played as well as usual except I couldn't judge the distance to take the ball from because my arms were much shorter when I was a kid, as with swimming ( my bro says he forgot swimming, altho it was his childhood hobby but the body is much heavier/denser than a kid's with some baby fat remaining. His muscles were not acclimatised to his body weight because they were working to keep a child's weight afloat.) Very true! Joel wanted to play some pool this nites out so I played some with him. OK enough I'm slping bb The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: ORD, KRK Rokit 6, Ibanez RG7321 Date: 12/11'09 Time: 23:29:30 PM |
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| The pics I was talking about
Introducing the Ibanez RG7321 which is simply amazing because it's so fun to play!:
& Now, introducing the KRK Rokit 6 Monitor speakers:
& Finally, the ORD pics! One day at the cookhouse about 8-9 months back I was eating a western meal & I spotted a whole box of lil packs of chilli sauce, with that date on it? I grabbed 2handfuls of it, ate some & kept some!
CHEEEEEEARRRRRRS ALL GDBYE & HAVE A GR8 NITZZZ SLP TAITE ~_~ The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: ORDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Date: 11/11'09 Time: 10:40:00 AM |
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| have I EVEN ORDED? YES! COZ I DREAMT I HAVENT & I WAS SUPPOSED 2 STAY BACK FOR A MONTH OR SO WHICH KINDA SUX FOR A DREAM A DAY AFTER ORD! PINK IC IS WITH ME I JUZ CHECKED YAY FINALLY :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I always wanted to blog but couldn't find it necessary for most of my NS time bcoz either I wanted to stop thinking about NS(blogging makes me think more), or I was trying to do something that could pass time more quickly & like finally it's over! Kind of too sudden! Reason I didn't blog yesterday was because I came back kinda late, which I didnt care anyway as long as I had my pink ic with me! & Joel's retaking GP paper it's comprehension paper 2 now right now! Can't believe I was still in dream world worrying about NS while he was taking his GP, could've prayed for him throughout since compo is usually tougher than compre, esp after a long time of not writing (IMO).. He's going to do fine.. My men juz messaged me, he thought he saw me retaking GP, & of coz he was wrong.. Lol Later I will post some ORD pics. No in-base photos of coz, juz some funny photos & we just got a new electric guitar that's the 7-string Ibanez RG7321 on Sat @ a Swee lee weekend sales, which didn't break too big a whole in my pocket since I'm a careful spender. My bro's friend suggested no amps, but we go for monitor speakers instead which is a brilliant idea, got the KRK rokit 6! Rokit5's lacked the low-end bass while I listened in the CINAMEX shop, 6 had much better low-end tones, important for my bass recordings, TONE IS IMPORTANT! Those huge speakers managed to find some space our room, pics later. The only thing I'm lacking now is an amp, most probably getting a digital amp like a line-6 pod. That would give the new guitar many many more effects, cool :D Now I'm waiting, for Joel to finish his paper 1145 or 1200 not too sure, praying 4 him. God will open a way for him somehow! Let me find something else 2 do, now with so much free time~~~~~ The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Busy week Date: 11/01'09 Time: 17:49:59 PM |
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| This whole week was busy we had onluy few hours to sleep each night. Slept through from bookout in the afternoon till night had my dinner and did the necessary thigns before I went to bed. Got up for church 10.30am service this morning..Preparing for next week's field camp and the following week's too.. next two weeks will be the toughest I think, which explains 4 two-minute long panics last night it was horrible :( Perhaps I'm also so worried for my bro who just enlisted, he's not very happy with his Platoon Sergeant for scolding him but I told him how to handle it and it takes time to adapt to the new lifestyle in NS. For me I'm 1 year soldier exactly (enlisted 11th Jan 08) and I have adapted pretty well, but still not excellently as some have..
And this whole stress problem is bugging me. It makes me ask a few questions. The first being what are thoughts? Thoughts happen so fast they cannot be controlled sometimes. I cannot seem to decide to do something, things happen to go on day by day, it's kind of a labor-in-vain feeling. I'm not controlling my thoughts, but my thoughts control my behaviour and reactions. So in this society where all of us get so used to laboring and laboring day by day we dont even know why we work. Society forces us to keep up with its pace and we labor so hard for the sake of keeping up with time because if we dont then our skills become rusty and we cannot earn money to survive. From this I conclude day-to-day working is an urban societal force. If I live like people of the old days away from this fast-paced society I would only need food to survive..and life would just be all about that without much worries. But I know this is not possible too because humans reproduce and there's a constant need to develop more tools for more efficient hunting for food to feed the growing family.. skip the topic. Back on working. Routine working form working habits. At this point we do not think while working. Working becomes something subconscious. And the problem with this is that subconscious thoughts cannot be controlled. And this is the reason that bugs me. I am subconsciously stressed. I can tell myself there's nothing to be stressed about, and search my thoughts that I think make me stressed, I cannot find many. But I still feel headaches. Frowns. Anxiety. Unsatisfied. What has happened is that there are too many subconscious worrisome thoughts that are going though my mind and they are kept away from my conscious mind to the point I forget my worries. Which explains why the panics keep coming. I really dont know what I'm stressed about. What has affected or is affecting me? I dont know, I cannot think of a handful. A solution would be to 'de-habituate' it by saying to myself 'there's no need to worry, everything's in God's hands, give your worries to God', and pray and give my worries to God. At this point I split my mind into two, the old and the new mindset. (this is how we learn things anyway). If I keep giving my fears and worries to God everyday and keep on giving day by day, eventually I can undo the habit, so I form a new habit (to remain calm and assured) on top of the old. Then subconsciously, I wont be as stressed as before. But a strange loop might form half way, while the splitting occurs: I might be worried subconsciously that my worries will remain. And that makes me more worried. What seems to fix the problem now becomes a new problem. And that makes me get more headaches, more worries about my inability to cope with stress, and makes me frown more, get more panics, and feel faint or dizzy more often. And now I have more worries, and eventually the old habits emerge strongly and the new habit shinks back to nothing. Coming to the topic on faith. Believing in God is based on faith. What is faith? Deep conviction, belief in something without the need for proof, complete confidence a thing. Unless I keep my faith in God to be a true living confidant, how can my worries be given to him? I need to have greater faith. But thinking like that forms another unhealthy cycle to make me more worried about my faith level. "God show yourself to me so that I can believe you are real" or "Do a miracle" such selfish prayers will not work because God said in the bible that faith is child-like.. There's no need to see to know that God can do things powerfully. Being child-like is hard, but I will work on it slowly, and I hope these problems will stop because the frequency of headaches and panics are still considerably high but are decreasing as time passes (I have noticed the change). Maybe God's giving me time to learn to give my worries to him by faith. Worring about my stress problem makes it worse. Panic attacks or spiritual attacks? I HAVE YET TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN THE TWO. I really hope God gives me an answer because I dont know what's happened to me since they began because I always thought I was able to handle stress and now I know I cannot handle it well. Life is not that tough, but why am I so worried! In fact God told us not to worry because it is very unhealthy for us.. But I have become very desensitised to spiritual things suddenly, because I was overly hypersensitive in the past and it freaked me out and now I cant seem to be braver. Everyday in order to sleep well I have to deny the spiritual attacks are happening and am forced to believe that they are panic attacks.. why must there be such a confusion and why do some pastors say I'm oppressed and some say I'm just worried, can worry really kill the soul? I am starting to believe so.. and belief that spiritual attacks happen to me feeds my worry and if they were merely panic attack then I was worried for no good reason and I did harm to myself.. But I still believe spirits do exist. Just hope to get help, has anyone experienced panic attacks in sleep before? Tag me because I really want to understand how I am living my life? I'm just very low-spirited these days, and with the busy training that I'm 'forced' to go through which feed my panics, I have no capacity to analyse myself further. There's just too much to handle. I have to have dinner now and pack up before i report to camp for a long week, only booking out saturday night. Ok gtg :D The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: POP Date: 04/01'09 Time: 20:43:55 AM |
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| Happy New Year 2009!! I'm gonig to book-in in half an hour and i'm just letting time pass......
The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: POP Date: 20/12'08 Time: 00:07:48 AM |
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| I just POPed last tuesday! It's a long time ago and I only blogged once throughout the whole of BMT. I just got my posting today. I'm setting off for SISPEC in 2 days! Kind of expected it because my friends were all saying I had a high chance of entering because I was physically fit! That's only one criteria, there are so many other criterias that I was so poor in.. like I think my sergeants or PC wouldnt recommend me for leadership training because I did not have a chance to be a platoon IC nor did I wayang. I just did the best I could in BMT! Okay so here I go from here.. Ok I was on leave all they way from last tuesday till now. Last week bro and I was trying to get him a new phone, and sell his existing one. Seems like sis wants to take bro's phone, so we'll sell hers which is like only 7 months old. Then we'll get joel an E51 because there are absolutely none that are better deals with no camera. I also got an E61 non cam for $160 from a second hand shop it's still in very good condition I would say 8/10. And decent price for it's functions, although it was released 3 years ago its speed is comparable to present phones. And I like the screen too! And the keypad! :D. So soon we should be selling sis's phone and getting joel an E51. On monday Bryan Tan from BMT came over to my house because he seems to like Arrow a lot! Spent like few hours at my place just chasing Arrow everywhere and taking photos of him! Amusing! This wed I was out shopping with Bryan and Jerrold! I just accompanied and I did not spend a cent because I need to have discipline to control my spending.. A pouch for E61 was too hard to come by.. Sis is going for a 50km walk organised by charity so we got her a pair of Asics shoes I hope her tendon doesnt split again.. Today I was just jammin away on the bass.. Love to play it and practice! :D Love to record more with bro! But it's a time consuming task.. but so fun! Think bro has much better guitar skills than I because I cannot handle learning two new instruments(guitars). Either I learn the bass, or the guitar. A mix confuses the muscles.. But I would say I can play pretty well for a start.. that's about 4 months since I began to play the acoustic guitars.. My bro said I learn so quickly especially the barred chords! Guess the bass strengthened my hand so much because I started in mid April.. Okay enough said haha.. :D Here's a Mighty to Save recording recently improved from the previous! Not sure if joel posted it anywhere but previously there was only guitar and the drums. This time with added bass and EQ. Recording Okay pretty late. Bro is out for the whole day and is still playing pool probably. Waiting for him.. while waiting I'll just play some Project Reality BB ^^ The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: ATTEND C Date: 10/11'08 Time: 13:51:56 PM |
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| This is my second bookout! Today's monday and I'm still at home because I wasn't well yesterday and I got 2 days MC. Currently waiting for sergeant to contact me for the book in timing. I've completed range and field camp in the last two weeks. Sit test this week, I'm gonna fall out from it I think. Following weeks nothing already. Grenade throwing completed last friday. Ok I know it's short I wanna do other things right now :D P.S. 1 more year exactly to ORD! :D The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: BMT RECOURSE Date: 08/10'08 Time: 19:25:13 PM |
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| My BMT recorse is tmr! Why wasn't it on the 6th? Because I received wrong information.. but all that confusion is over and now all I can think about is going for recourse! I was given a half day off today after asking my superior as best as I could so I left at 11am. I didn't have all the stuff for BMT so I went to Chevrons' E-mart and reached at 11.30 sharp but it wasn't open! Waited for an hour before it opened! Lots of people were waiting and someone was saying that the shopkeeper claimed to have lost her wallet or something. Whether it's true or not, that I won't know, I just went in to buy whatever that I needed and went home. Went out for lunch with my parents and got back and packed my stuff there's so much to bring! More than ORDing AFAIK! Then I went to cut my own hair so that they won't find fault with me tmr. It was quite long but now it's so short! Tmr I go in with a clean sheet so the people wont have a bad first impression of me! It was also great to practice cutting my own hair :D Actually I had two weeks 'off' before this week but I was just so relaxed I couldn't care less about blogging! I just wanted to knock the stress I was feeling out of my own head! I did everything possible! Watching TV, playing computer games, sleeping, reading, researching, playing the guitar/bass/drum, listening to music, just sitting back and having a great break from work! It felt so great because I had never experienced such wonderful moments from day one of NS! 13 more months to ORD is that soon? Very!! NS life is so routine, so boring and so we learn escapism and without having to watch tv or game or -whatever that's enjoyable- as though we were really doing it! If that happens on the subconscious level then it would definitely make us less stressed but that take some of our concentration away which means we can't focus hard on tasks.. and that might lead us to making accidental mistakes and being screwed. I have never really talk much about my work in my unit now because I don't find a point unless SAF really needs info genuinely for surveys and such what's the point of complaining here. I might end up in trouble if I write the wrong things which I don't want to happen. Secondly I don't have a choice, it's just me to put that event at the very back behind the last door in my memory. Shut the door and just leave it cause it's over and now that I'm out at least there is going to be a change in workplace and environment which might be worse or better that's for the future to tell! Right now all I feel is relief! This is my last meal with my parents and so I'm going to eat now and I think they will spend some time with me before I go for recourse. I'm wishing the best for my bro who's going to take his A level in 3 weeks time. I'll be back a week before his first exam and I hope he prepares well.. I'll be away for 9 weeks counting from tomorrow, throughout his exam period. He'll be finished with his exam 2 weeks or so before I POP I hope he will not be so stressed and just relax and chill like me last year, he should do fine! I was gaming a lot during the A level period because all that was on my mind was 'Prepare for exam! Prepare for exam! Prepare for exam!' O please I could not entertain my own thoughts and I resorted to escapism haha but it works! So all the best to my bro! And some of my friends are also taking A level I wish you all the best too! I am going to do fine in the recourse I know I have the capacity to finish from first day to last! I won't OOT as much as possible! GTG! I need to sleep early tonight too :D 7am at SFT! Pics
The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: About my trauma Date: 02/09'08 Time: 18:08:08 PM |
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| OK yes yes only 5 + 5 + 3 more days to go!! That's 13 working days to my release from my current unit! :D Coz I have 9 days off and I'm taking off all the way from 20th onwards till 6th Oct! YAY Finally I'm out and I'm going for recourse! Now I'm just hearing my grumbling mates complain I'm just gonna enjoy my remaining days and I'm gone YAY! Oh yes I'm supposed to give more info about my sleep problems. K. At least more frequent visits give me more insights of what's going on in my subconscious head. This is it: When I was about 6 or younger I nearly died from drowning in a pool. I was playing in a swimming pool during a church camp (previous church's) and two girls who were bigger than me were pulling my legs. At first it seemed quite fun so I tried to swim and break free from their hold. But soon I realised 30 seconds have passed and I'm losing air, I have to get more air, so I struggled to the surface of the water. As soon as this happened the two girls (still know both of them) pulled harder at my ankles, to them it was becoming more fun cause I was trying to get away, but apparently not to me! I was struggling to break free and it took me quite a while just to hang on to the edge of the pool (luckily we were that close). But I kept losing grip cause I wasn't a strong child then, their weight just kept pulling me down. And apparently I panicked cause I was so close to death. Mom came to the rescue, but not that desperately, not knowing I was so near death, but when she grabbed my arm and pulled me out I was seconds away from death. As far as I know my mom saw me all blue thinking I was cold from the water, so she gave me a towel. But it wasn't just that, I was gasping for breath, and finally she came to her senses knowing I was that close to dying. I received no counselling, probably because my dad, sis and bro were not there to witness the severity of the incident, though my mom might have known but if I ask her right now (literally) about how bad it was she would tell me "you were drowning, that's all i can remember i think". Experiencing such traumatic incidents can cause serious problems to a person and the person should seek professional counselling following a trauma, but seems like my parents did not know what to do during that time. As my pastor tells me, to cope with the trauma, the mind splits itself to separate the trauma memory from the main memory. Process is known as dissociation. The trauma memory might come as a package(the factual and emotional memory together) or it might be split into two separate memories, as for me the latter happened. Trauma usually causes Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) making it hard for the sufferer to cope with stressful situations especially when the memories are 'split'. This is what he thinks happens in my sleep. Any kind of stressful situation that happened in the day, or was going to happen, would make me feel stressed (duh). When I sleep the split memories talk to one another trying to cope with the memories of the stressful events. If my officer scolded me in the day, or I had a quarrel at home, or a test coming up in camp, they would all surface in my sleep. A normal person without PTSD should be able to relax and remain calm throughout the stressful time. But a sufferer with PTSD panics without being rational about even panicking in the first place. Anything threatening to the sufferer's well-being would be an almost likely panic trigger(my mind retrieves panicky feelings from the trauma emotional memory), and the exact feeling plays out, known as a flashback(as for me it's panicking about dying). This is how he describes what goes on in my subconscious mind during sleep. My pastor says the only means to solve this is to undo the splitting of the mind. I have forgotten much about the trauma (always happens to trauma sufferers), and he will try to help me remember the things that have been forgotten. It's not going to be an 'oh! now I Remember!', it's a slow process, my pastor will attempt to talk to the different memories or 'parts' of me to try to help me retrieve information and the feelings that were associated with the feelings, accept the factual and emotional memory as one and then accept the situation so that the trauma memory combines with the main memory. Only then will my panics at night stop.br> Sounds pretty complicated right! It really is! There's more to come as time passes, and yes I'm going to recourse soon so I'd try to get most info ASAP before my recourse! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: ->.<- Date: 25/08'08 Time: 18:19:58 PM |
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| K I was too tired last weekend to update anything so sorry...here it is :D Okay, since I haven't wrote a long enough entry for some time I will spend at least 20 mins to write..First off I've finished my operations about more than a month ago, think it was 4th July. From then on till the 11th of August I was back in my unit doing work, understudying another guy from my branch. I have never had a permanent job in this unit so far, because it's a temporary unit for me (3rd Signals btw), and I'm here because I was pulled out of BMT training (OOT - out of training) for my sleep problems, that's how they run the system, they're play safe. Any problem must be raised or one risk being charged for malingering haha. I was OOTed for 5 weeks in BMT then pulled out, that's how I got into this unit. So counting I have been in this unit for about 7 months, that's including the 3 months of ops I was doing.. so it's 4 months. I've got one more month to go before I re-BMT! :D I'm actually happy to go back because I don't like my work now.. I won't discuss it here. And I got at least 10 'offs' eliminating it from the remaining days - that's about 20 days left in my unit :D YAYYYYYYYYYY :D While I'm gonna leave happily some of the newer ppl who just joined are just too unhappy with the system I hear them groaning everyday, so do I man.. I understand, but I can't help you hahaha :D I just wanna go somewhere else that would be more appropriate for a combat fit person, I'm not garang, but I'm not a laid back person, I prefer having something in between and NO I'm not going for OCS of course!! I dont like to have time on my hands because it slips off and time passes too quickly. Right now in my branch the rule is NO PSP, NO SLEEPING, NO READING. So what do we do then? I mean there's no point having the 'chopchop get it done' attitude because we will leave time for stoning. I just have to learn to do things slowly sometimes, though it's just not me, for everyone's sake hahaha :D Let me update about my sleep problem now, I'll give it 5 mins because I wanna play my bass haha. K. Basically lots of stuff, I've read books, I've researched online, I've asked and found help, all of which gave me better understanding of my sleep problems. Having this for nearly two years, still scares the hell out of me whenever it happens. I'm seeing a church psychologist right now, it has been 9 months already with him, but we haven't gone far, because of my ops, and unpredictable army schedules.. we have barely narrowed down to the more possible causes, and it feels like it's getting nowhere but I will keep going because I know it's possible to find the source of the problem. Think I should explain more next month because what can I explain now when I still haven't got a proper understanding, too many question marks, and I've used too much of my brain power and I'm draining.. I just pray everyday that God gives me better understanding as days go by. Maybe it wont be a month lah, it could be next week! I'll just log everything, and me and my pastor will work it out, with the help of others :D K i'm tired of typing byebye! p.s. forgot, from 11th Aug till now I'm in a signal storeman course, don't know why, I only have 1 month left in this unit! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: url change Date: 21/08'08 Time: 23:57:33 PM |
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| Changed urls! relink plz friends! or you get a dead page! Update more tmr, I'm not free now, haven't been free these few weeks The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Moving Date: 22/07'08 Time: 00:13:32 AM |
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| We're moving to our new place this weekend! It's only a hundred plus metres away from my old place so moving things won't be so difficult. We got a transport company to do that for us :D Okay it's late byebye! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: New links Date: 17/07'08 Time: 20:16:45 PM |
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| theohbrothers.com no longer links directly with our 2006 homepage! main.theohbrothers.com does now. theohbrothers.com is now the index page that brings you to other links so link us as Leonard & Joel to theohbrothers.com that way there's less confusion! Thanks! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: :DD Date: 15/07'08 Time: 19:49:36 PM |
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| Army has been great as usual..I have gone through a lot in the army..and trying to learn a lot of stuff..this and that..for my own good..but i think my ambitions won't ever leave me..no matter how long it would take to achieve them.. As of this morning I woke up adding more and more to my list of ambitions..and it is personal :D Long long long time..Bass guitar is doing well although I dont practise much. So far got a new strap and a new pick. Amps have not been ordered. My 1/4" wire is also mojo, all from planet waves. Amp should be a samson or hartke. Bought a Creative EP-240 earphone for $29. Within the first use the gauze thing(dont know what's called) fell off. Dont ever get them. Coz my sis wanted me to get one cheap one. Okay i was thinking my-EP 480 that came with my zen lasted a year. But it's $36 and so i should get a cheaper one. And no, dont ever get cheap earphones! Pay 25% more for one that lasts 365 times longer! And i had a brush with a creative warranty thing. They refused to replace a new zen for me. I have replaced it twice in a year, one in Feb this year. In feb when i got the replacement the warranty tag was broken and i ignored it since "it's a new one they gave, i'm glad!" And i thought it was broken because it came out of their repair workshop (opened and fixed the zens, so he needed to break the tag). But after only 5 months i decided i deserve a replacement because of that. And dust and paint was falling off and the battery cover was not tight. I demanded for nearly 2 hours and finally they decided I was one hard customer. But they came out from the store door with another color zen. "We only have blue left. Sorry we dont have any more grey ones." "We discontinued the sales of zenMicrophotos in march this year." Boom that's the exact reason why it took so much energy for me to get a replacement..lol What else have I done over the past months..hmmm.....O yes i replaced my burning card. Think the new nvidia driver is incompatible with my *XpertVision 6600GT (yes, expervision cheap). The fan on the 6600gt was replaced when i got it repaired at XpertVision. Started failing in 5 months..lol..graphics ram was damaged (the look on the screen). This happenned because the fan is sometimes on, and off. I still played my games at lowest resolution and underclocked. But i think i forgot to alt tab and the card thermal throttled but apparently at a higher temp than the safe temp and although throttling should keep the card safe but it was damaged. Now it's replaced by an 8800GT. :D $120 i think What else..My computer was becoming more and more messy i think after years the damage viruses have done was so severe. Start up problems. IE problems. Connection problems. So i had to clean install :D. Got 10 days more to activate, activated more than 3 times already? What else..Oh yes just two days ago i renewed my domain. And i changed my hosting provider to LimeBox. It's good:D I hope if anyone would like to sign up for a website hosting package please sign up through me that would give me some money from Limebox. Something like 10% of what you would pay. So if SGD$50 a year, i get $5 dollars in my limebox account from limebox to pay my bill that would be cheaper! Just sign up from my referrer link, and you can get people to sign up from yours too! http://www.limebox.com.sg/thebox/whmcs/aff.php?aff=017 :D thanks:D I think that's all :D I wanna rest..O yes I want to create Website 2009. Seems like website 2008 needs to be skipped. Let me release website 2009 next new year! :D The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: :D Date: 10/05'08 Time: 23:36:37 PM |
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| Okay I got NUS and NTU slots but not SMU because I allegedly 'discussed too hard' during the interview that the professors might have felt offended.. Nvm I dont intend to go for SMU even if they give me a slot i paid $15 bucks to have fun at the interview :D Missed service because of ops but dad picked me and went to church to pick ma bro so we went back together :D Rotting ~~ At least I went for prophet kobus' healing service with ma cell and wow he anointed all of us with oil and I was so excited because when do I get to see him ever again! :) Get the anointing! Right now in Florida something great's happening, Did Anyone Know About It? ITS A REVIVAL, supposed to be a few days service thing but ended up to be held for more than a month! There's a great outpouring of the Holy Spirit and lots of healing is taking place even when people watch the broadcasts on the internet or the TV believe this! People from all over the world are flying into Florida just to receive the healing and anointing! WATCH THIS: Fresh Fire Ministries, The Florida Outpouring or subscribe to the feed because not every video(esp the newer ones) is on the website, but can be found in the feed: The Florida Outpouring RSS Feed ENJOY! I THINK MA PARENTS WANNA GO TO RECEIVE THE ANOINTING, MEE TOO! ANYONE WANNA JOIN US???? :P The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: :D Date: 04/05'08 Time: 22:44:41 PM |
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| O yeah i'm back..... it feels great to be writing a new entry :D after a month of doing operations right now that keeps me too busy to blog @@. Right, so how do i start.. I can't blog about the operations here because it's not allowed, i will get into trouble for doing so :X anyway, because of this ops I missed 4 weeks of youth service and cell. And yesterday, finally after waiting for a month I could attend a youth service :))) and it felt great to meet everyone, especially ma cellmates :D I did not tell them about ma ops so yesterday they were suprised to hear how busy I was and why I missed so many cell meetings and youth services, so now they understand :) I'm literally dead for the past month with no life because of this ops, I can't update more hehe. I hope this ops could end soon. :D okay I'm so lazy to type already so BYEBYE *wave*
The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: (^_^) Date: 13/04'08 Time: 23:02:33 PM |
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| Wah very long haven't update leh. Anyway the Ibanez bass has arrived and I'm practicing scales right now. LOL. But learning very slowly, blame the old days when I used to hate piano lessons. One problem with the order is the noob cable that came with the guitar. Kinda used it for only 2 days and it's gone. Pulling out of the jack port spoilt the cable. So had to ask bro's pal to get a mojo cable for me costed 30 bucks? around there. Finally my comps mic is working. Can jam ma bass on the computer and blast off the speakers. :D This guitar is really mojo. + the amp that is coming soon, again it's bro's pal that will get it for me :D might be very ex but worth it because amps can last for a decade? GOOD ONES OF COURSE! :D MOJO!!! LOL :D Going to sleep soon, wanna wake up early tmr. Although I love to stay up and have supper at 2am at 24hr stores by myself or with ma pals I realised that I haven't enjoyed life in the early morning, around 8am-12pm! Long time. School does not allow, army does not. Now I'm on operation so I can relax on my offs but I can't say more than this or I am revealing too much and will get extra or DB. LOL. So I'm getting up early tmr to learn my MOJO Bass in the early morning YEAH. :D The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: Date: 30/03'08 Time: 21:31:54 PM |
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| Tired.
The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
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| Topic: BOUGHT IT, IBANEZ SR506BM Date: 25/03'08 Time: 23:55:05 PM |
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| Just bought my IBA SR506BM!!!! SO HAPPY!! Now dont have to worry about it no more! Should be coming by end of next week or the week after next :D Bro's still looking for the best dealer to get his 10" tom. It's getting late I wanna eat vanilla ice-cream :D And then I'm calling it a night! The Oh Brothers™ Leonard |
